ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
