I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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