just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
