Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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