Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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