Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
