I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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