The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
