life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
