i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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