I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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