I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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