My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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