Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
