Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
