why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
