I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
40s are totally the cure
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
