I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
only if we run a train.
done.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
