oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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