He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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