so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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