Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
