she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
