I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
