my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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