if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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