So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Randomize
