Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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