They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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