i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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