I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
