just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think your dad took our porno
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
