You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just googled if crying burns calories
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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