i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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