Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
