How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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