one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
