i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
