He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
