I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
