We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
