my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
