just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
