Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
