I wish I could teleport
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So. Much. Porn.
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