We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
