apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
