Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
please don't ironically join a cult
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