Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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