happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
